Slender Man Sighting In English Community?

A small town in the south west of England has been inundated with sightings of a tall, bald male who is suspected to be a roving paedophile. Dressed in a dark suit, the loitering individual has been reported to police over three times in the same number of weeks, culminating in what is speculated to be an aborted abduction last Tuesday. The scandal has launched a small scale police investigation.

All of the sightings are curiously similar in that they all pertain to have seen, or have been pursued by, a tall, thin, pale male wearing a dark or black suit.

The first sighting took place last Thursday. Bernard Cooper, 42, who drives one of the many road-gritting vehicles which have proved so invaluable this season, was working an early morning shift and claims to have sighted the figure on a country lane leading to the town itself.’

‘It was just me and Nick (Bernard’s colleague) in the van, and we was (sic) basically just gritting the road going into town. We must have got about halfway across the route when we noticed this guy stood at the edge of the road, and we just assume he was a drunk or a hitchhiker. I drove on for a bit, but Nick seemed a bit worried about the guy, especially as the snow made it freezing cold, and it must have been about four or five o’clock in the morning. So we turned around, but couldn’t find a trace of him. Nick says he was pale and completely bald. I didn’t really notice that, but he seemed very thin, and was wearing what looked like an old dark suit.’

Nick Graham, 40, a resident of the concerned town, was unavailable for comment when a local paper contacted him yesterday morning.

The other two sightings are similar in that both seem to take place around areas popular with children. Chantelle Smith, 19, currently unemployed, saw a figure of a similar description in a local park which her young children were playing in.

‘I was letting the kids play for a bit after school, and they were just getting on with that really, in their like innocent little way, and I couldn’t help but notice that a gentleman across the park was staring at them, very intense like. He didn’t look like the parent of one of the other kids and he was dressed like for work – he was wearing a black suit and carrying some kind of suitcase. I’m very protective of my children; do you know what I mean? So when he just stood there staring at them I got up and went over to tell him to, you know, to move on a bit. He was very, very thin, sort of stick-like. I think he had a shaved head, but he might have just been bald. He must have got a whiff of me coming over because he disappeared then. I think he must have been a peedo (sic) and the idea that he was eyeing up one of my little girls makes me livid.’

The third sighting took place as recently as last week, in the home of Nicola and Ahmed Aakash. Their daughter, 8, began crying and shouting at a long, thin shadow which kept flickering across the window, which she had perceived to be a tall, thin man. Nicola, a public relations advisor in the city, initially thought nothing of it.

‘You know what kids are like, seeing things under the bed, and that sort of silly thing. So I thought nothing of it and told her the whole thing about there being no monsters in her wardrobe, and even went through the pantomime of looking through the room with her. Then I heard about the young mum from across town who thought she’d seen a man staring at her children in the park, and my daughter kept having these awful frights at night about the ‘thin man’ at the window. A few nights ago Ahmed and I were enjoying a quiet night in, the kids in bed, when suddenly there was an awful scream from upstairs. Ahmed and I ran up there like a shot, burst into my daughters’ room – and the window was open, wide open, and a freezing cold breeze coming in from without. And there was thing stood over the bed, bent right over it, with incredibly long fingers. I screamed at it, I tell you, and Ahmed dashed forward ready to come to blows with the thing, and it seemed to float backwards, straight out of the window. Straight out! The sick little bastard must have broken something, falling from that height. I hope they get him.’

Accident and Emergency departments across the county have been instructed to inform police of any recent casualties matching the description. In a statement released yesterday morning, Community Support Officer Giles Logan urged locals not to panic: ‘There is no evidence to suggest that the sightings all relate to a common menace, and police authorities are yet to have tracked down anyone even slightly resembling the individual as he is described in the witness statements. I have already had a few keyboard jockeys come forward and claim that the individual is linked somehow with the Slender Man abductions in America. I can assure you that such a notion is pure myth. Nonetheless, I urge anyone with information on this matter to come forward. I would also urge that the culprit, should he even exist, come forward so that he can explain himself.’

The investigation is ongoing and no subjects have been named. You can view the full article, published in a local newspaper, here:

www.wessexherald.co.uk/community/16930ogwk6/.122org

One of several alleged 'Slender Man' sightings in America. The image depicts a strange mass ressembling a tall male in the background.

Right-Wing Smear Jockey Stumbles Across The Truth

The ease and enthusiasm with which the left wing has adopted Julian Assange as the last bastion of truth has vexed those whose hearts beat on the right to no end over the last few weeks. Of course this is arguably because right wing politicians have never held honesty particularly high in their own regard, but Melanie Phillips, of all people, raised an interesting counter argument to this in her daily column on Tuesday.

Having poured a standard issue load of vitriol over left wing liberals, as is customary these days to fill up copy space, (and hell, if you’re getting paid over a pound a word to do it then frankly I really don’t see much of a problem with that, it’s not as if what she has to say usually makes any sense anyway) Phillips drew our attention to Assange’s motives for blowing the inner working of the US government, amongst others, wide open. Yes, it could have something to do with trying to transform global politics into a more open, transparent plane. Yes, it could have something to do with Assange taking it upon himself to be a moral mouthpiece for the violently oppressed proletariat (come again?). Yet what if the ugly reality, the true motive behind this delicious scandal, is revealed to be Assange’s ‘’all pervasive nihilistic rage,’’ as Phillips herself phrases it. Hyperbole aside, she’s raising a valid point which is yet to have been addressed or analysed in depth so far: what if Assange just wants to fuck shit up, as it were?

Even the most liberal of left wing fan boys for Assange will concede that the damage he has wrought upon global politics is enormous, and the shockwaves the cables have sent across the world, the middle east in particular, are going to reverberate back and cause a great deal of problems for western states over the coming years. Sure, the United States will quite easily ride out the bulk of the consequences, the shattered relationship with Pakistan, already hanging on a threat, or the increased tension with Russia, hardly a surprise in the first place. However, closer to home, Prince Andrew is still blushing and fumbling his words over the PR cataclysm of his rather undiplomatic comments of yesteryear, the government’s own diplomatic status with countries in the middle east lies in tatters, and after all this Assange continues to taunt the West that he has thousands of more cables set to blow, ready to rent apart even further the growing ruptures between Occident and Orient.

Let’s not forget a more local issue which the entire debacle has thrown up –that of housing the self-proclaimed ‘journalist’ in our own European hotbed, putting the Coalition under increasing pressure to either extradite Assange to Sweden or continue to exasperate allies by holding him out of bail. There are few people out there who will deny that the trial is going to be an utter mockery of international law, simply because the prosecution is standing on quicksand, and even when one takes into consideration the unreleased cables, it would be no surprise if the Assange case becomes old news before next August. This self-styled Australian hacker just wants to watch the world burn, a rather good idea in my opinion, but it’s not going to last for long. And that’s assuming that he doesn’t fall down a ravine or lose eighty per cent of his brain cells in a routine check up or crash his plane in the Alps.

Julian Assange: Even The Bigots Are Backing Him

Promotion of the charges being levelled against Julian Assange, founder of Wikileaks, and intense scrutiny over their integrity has recently emerged from an unlikely source – British rightwing tabloid, The Daily Mail.


 Known across the nation for its bare faced bigotry, shameless ignorance, blistering disdain towards open-minded youngsters and chronic lack of any sense of style, the Daily Mail is truly the last newspaper one would expect to indirectly assist the plight of an individual like Assange. When it isn’t waxing lyrical about the joys of casual racism and waging wars in Middle Eastern countries, one is likely to find the Daily Mail pouring vitriol over liberal politicians and anyone who doesn’t have a room temperature view. Yet nevertheless such prejudice, it would seem, has been lifted in favour of battling the common enemy of freedom of the speech. Or has it?


 All publicity, one hears over and over again, is good publicity. When the Daily Mail runs Assange’s trial on the front page of their paper, instead of bitching about middle class, jumped up student protestors, it makes quite a profound statement regardless of what the text in the columns might say about Assange as a person. It says, of course, that this is a story worth covering and indeed the unsavoury circumstances surrounding Assange’s nebulous rape allegations also deserve critical analysis – should Mail reporters be capable of such a thing, of course. One must compare recent pages of other papers associated with the right to understand the magnitude of this – the Telegraph and the Times avoid even mentioning Assange’s name where possible, and seem crippled with fear at the prospect of transgressing against the views of the current politician’s power. Of course, this would be rather a difficult thing to do anyway when giving head to the swine under their desks.

But let’s not fall in love with the editor of the Mail just yet. One could certainly argue that the Mail’s fascination with Assange actually has nothing to do with his achievements as a political watchdog, and therefore their indirect support of him through exposure loses much of its relevance. On the contrary, it’s the sensation of the story which no doubt gets some chubby copy editor’s pulse pumping, as he wheezes and sweats over the prospect of a new, sordid exciting public figure to ejaculate over. A recent article in the Mail uses their trademark schoolboy humour to poke fun rather affectionately at Assange’s underground hideout, likening it to the super secret base of a villain from a Bond film. Nauseating clichés aside, the Mail probably just succeeded this time in doing what it usually does best – twisting anything of tangible merit into a grotesque circus of parochialism.