Just Married: Fear and Politics

    It’s a damn shame that every Tory newspaper hates Nick Clegg’s guts, because it seems that he’s just about the only one of those jittery, nervous, randomly smiling freak shows to stand his grounds on any of policies- even the ones that throw the navel gazing middle class into a semi-passionate furore.

   This Liberal Leader has become the subject of nasty, insane, down and dirty newspaper abuse as of recently, nodding in particular to the lower classy-wannabe the Daily Mail, which recently published the somewhat hilarious title: Nick Clegg Makes Nazi Slur! What exactly was this nasty slur, I wonder? The Daily Mail didn’t seem to know – they simple ran his rather pedestrian and harmless quote on the front page and then waffled on about the loss of lives and so on in the second world war, spurting out half baked globs of patriotism all over its dirt cheap paper. Thank you, Daily Mail, for a once again inspiring, astute and totally accurate piece of journalism. Truly top drawer.

   Elsewhere, the Torygraph has been trying and failing to spread some out of date rumours and a couple of half hearted smear campaigns about Nick Clegg but, alas, no one really seems to be taking the bait. (Except of course the morons that actually buy these papers, but these poor fools are unlikely to get round to voting in the first place anyway)

   The low, low level to which these Tory papers will stoop in order to garner a handful of fearful votes from their trembling and anxious readers is almost as depressing as the sheer ease at which Clegg has essentially captured the hearts of the population. Everyone loves him to bits. Of course, one can easily see why he would have endured fifteen minutes of fame after those two rather sterling political debates on TV, especially as he actually bothered to look into the camera, i.e. at the country, but surely this doesn’t merit exalting him as the new Winston Churchill? This damn election seems to have turned into a rat race for the spin doctors – the first to link their figurehead to a man of charisma and characters from the last century or so wins. Just think of that ghastly idea the Conservatives had, trying to make subtle links between Barack Obama and David Cameron, the horror. Vote for Change? More like plagiarism.

   Nonetheless, it looks like the more that Brown and Cameron tear wildly at Clegg’s coat tails as he ascends up into never before explored areas of British politics, like the moral high ground, that it’s more and more likely he’ll be dragged back down into petty squabbling, false promises, and perhaps even the odd expense scandal. After all, this country really does love a good expense scandal now and then.

David Cameron Can't Believe You've Done This (Ah, Fuck)

  


   So...uh basically, what he was thinking of was uh, introducing a spate of outrageous new policies which not only tempt disbelief from the most ardent of Tories but also seems to fall woefully to bits after scrutiny- that of course is before he makes the equally bizarre promise of providing ‘Change’ in the ‘New (What the dickens??!) Conservative Party,’ which needless to say strikes most people as something of a colossal oxymoron , unless of course you do happen to be one of the poor, blind weasels out there who truly believe that Gordon Bear managed to single-handedly tear down the foundations of the Global economy, in addition to ruining Britain’s identity in the European market through ‘too much’ investment in public services and the of course the small matter of opening wide those hairy Scottish thighs and giving birth to Broken Britain. Did I mention that we can’t go on like this?



     But just don’t mention the 80s –or Thatcher, or the war, for that matter, and you ought to do just fine. After all, despite having absolutely no experience in managing national finances whatsoever he is, like, sooo much better equipped to drag us out of the economy than Gordon Brown and despite being spawned by a party known for its class consciousness and violating the working class from behind with their giant throbbing private sector members, he is like, sooo much better equipped to address the widening gap between the rich and the poor than Nick Clegg. Duh. So, basically what he was thinking was, uh....wait a second? You didn't vote Tory - you Swine!


(Cameron punched square in the face from off-screen)


‘‘Ah, fuck...I can’t believe you’ve done this!’’


Oh, if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, check this out:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_X6VoFBCE9k

Tories Branded As Class-Conscious Homophobes. Again.

Hmm. There seems to be a pattern forming here. Not only have a number of MEPs been revealed to have voted against legislation in favour of gay rights in the very recent past, but it’s now also arisen that Home Secretary Chris Grayling, defender of everyone’s human rights, and general nice guy, foolishly stood up for Catholic rights instead of Gay rights during a conference. In other words, when asked if he agreed that Christian B&B owners should accept homosexual couples to sleep together in their homes, he replied in the negative, and then went off on some rather tedious tangent about human rights, and some other details that would undermine the political gender of this Blog – so, let’s move on.

David Millaband put it surprisingly well on Question Time the other evening, also a nice chap by the way – did I mention that all politicians are nice people? He made some sweeping and rather majestic metaphorical speech about the David Cameron wrapper starting to peel off the bar, and we’d all recoil in the horror when the old, monstrous, class consciousness and general ‘let’s bugger the lower class,’ mentality was revealed in all its putrescent hideousness. Well said, David, well said – so well said, in fact, that he was treated to a roar of applause from the audience. Nothing like a session of clapping from the noble British Publick to lighten a politic sprit- oh yes, sir.


However, regardless of eloquent verbosity and Tory spin, a disturbing question- particular disturbing if you’re gay, or black, and god help you if you’re gay and black – was raised about the Tory position on Homosexuals. Are they homophobes? Well, their manifesto stipulates fairly clearly that they’re not. So does David Cameron actually, as he’s been out slapping an impressive amount of wrists ever since this rather concerning revelation was, well, revealed. Grayling has apologized profusely for any way in which his comment might have been interpreted (nice man, that Grayling) and so maybe those who were leaning towards the Tory party, having eaten up that ‘we’ve changed for the best’ crap, will stick a cross in Cameron’s box this May.


Anyone not sitting on a large inheritance they desperately need to protect, or anyone with the base line of intelligence for that matter, ought to have their suspicions raised- maybe there are a number of old school Tory values, i.e homophobia, bubbling under the surface of Cameron’s admittedly highly charming persona and clean cut, new age visage. Nice people, those politicians, did I mention that yet? Of course then again, if you are a massive homophobe, you probably should vote Tory anyway because you’re small and discriminatory brain will be appeased in so many different facets that it will, like, blow your mind.

Fly, My Pretties!

Brace yourselves, ladies and gentleman, for a gruelling six weeks or so of rolled up sleeves, dishevelled ties, hollow promises and unrivalled sycophancy: the 2010 election has reared its filthy head. For the class- conscious and unintelligent, this will of course be a wonderful time to peddle the wheelbarrow of lies known commonly as a ‘Tory Manifesto', which, although devoid of policies, is bound to delight the pants off the fat cats, as they wobble precariously on large piles of cartoon gold.



Alternatively, you could of course vote with your feet and give Father Bear another five years in office, although this too is not without its setbacks. He might be fully qualified to handle the financial crisis, or whatever the fear- mongers are calling it these days, but –good heavens – imagine the mudslinging and libel that would fill the Tory newspapers – as if staring the Daily Mail in the face each time you walk into a shop isn’t bad enough as it is. Oh, the gurgling putrescent horror.


Of course, if one is more partial to sitting on the fence and perhaps even stimulating that elusive G-spot in the process (which scientists, by the way tell us, doesn’t exist) one may find oneself putting a cross in the Lib Dem box – this is a wonderful idea if their promises to legalize drugs, stop taxing the poor and cease violating the lowest earners from behind rings true – but as I’m sure we’re all aware, the Lib Dem party is a little bit like an Indy kid – he’s pleasant to look and, he’s like sooo alternative, but other than that he’s basically nothing more than a fucking ornament.


In fact, just for the lulz, why not vote in the BNP? It doesn’t seem to have occurred to them yet that their policies neither make logical sense nor take into account pesky human rights legislation, who could deny that should they win a majority, excellent comedy will ensue? But of course, you must vote- really you must! Don’t go missing out on your slice of democracy, young lady/old chap, this is an opportunity to sit on.


They might be a bunch of bespectacled, top buttoned lunatics but these old fools are all going to do us a rather large favour – or so we’re told. Oh, and they’re all soooo different from each you know, just completely like, homogeneous and stuff. Oh, bollocks. Freudian Slip.