Lab To Become The New Lib?

Nobody held a gun to Nick Clegg’s head and forced him to enter into a coalition that was, to many, a walking oxymoron. At least no one did so in the pseudo-physical, extortionate or even figurative sense. However, that doesn’t completely dispel the notion that a merge onto the side of the Conservative party was chiefly an escape route, or move for survival, just as parasites would sooner choose a new host to feed on than waste away alone. Abysmal election results and a growing roar of hilarity from the media dogs surrounding Clegg’s press office would no doubt have fuelled the hatred from within the party itself, and who knows if Clegg would have been forced to stand down after such a chaotic, unstable and ultimately futile act of rebellion against traditional party politics? The heretic, it seemed, could either be burnt at the stake or make a prompt conversion and enter the fold. And the latter, according to politicians and journalists across the spectrum, is exactly what he did.

 

So Clegg married Cameron to keep a legacy for himself. Any mindless walking penis would probably do the same out of sheer desperation. Yet the strange pseudo-conservative policies and ideals being peddles by the Liberals in their slice of the pie, and a strangely docile opposition to Tory policy itself as only served to stoke up once again the fuels of heresy and discontent in the Lib Dem party. This, presumably, is why a large number of high profile Liberal bénévoles famously defected over to working class ‘saviours’ Labour in a desperate bid to recoup some of their fundamental values. By the same token, rumours are spreading across London this very second which suggest that Charles Kennedy, once leader of the Lib Dem party, is now also planning to defect. He may have half-heartedly denied the claims in a hastily scrawled press release, but if this isn’t a love letter to the Labour party then...well....what is?

 

So why are these head honchos and grass roots rioters alike all deciding to flock elsewhere to get off on centre-left policies (sort of the soft porn of British politics, if you will). The political field seems to undergoing a great deal of reshuffling, with the Liberal Party drawing closer and closer to the dreaded political purgatory of The Centre and, who knows, might precariously wobble there for months before finally taking a chaotic plunge into the murky world of old world elitism and class-consciousness. An unpleasant place to be indeed. Meanwhile, the Labour party, grotesquely loaded with faux-liberal, young new faces and the golden Milliband Brothers, is making appeals to the jaded Liberals of the left, namely those who were once part of the renegade SDP. Ed Milliband’s speech earlier this week was a thinly concealed appeal to those frustrated and disillusioned with their bizarrely draconian post-9/11 policies:

 

"I believe the argument is being won that on issues like ID cards and stop-and-search we became too casual about the liberties of individuals. And I believe the argument is being conclusively won that we must recognize the profound mistake of the Iraq war. I want to take my party on a journey to a different identity for the future: social democratic on economic policy, standing for redistribution and tackling inequality, liberal in our respect for individual rights." (Guardian)

 

Yes, that was me dicking around with the italics, not the Guardian, which is a respectable and established paper, as opposed to a moron with a digital screen. Anyway, the repetition of words such as ‘casual’ and ‘individuals’ and of course ‘liberal’ would make any young cynic of the decontracté variety sit up and listen. Whoever wrote this speech – probably not Milliband himself but I suppose there’s always hope – clearly wants to open the floodgates for the so-called ‘true Lib Dems,’ or rather those repulsed by the coalition. As long as the Liberal party stays joined at the hip to the Tories, no one’s going to look to them for entertaining the more radical liberal policies – so why shouldn’t they try their luck with what could quickly the become the new Liberal Left?

Just Married: Fear and Politics

    It’s a damn shame that every Tory newspaper hates Nick Clegg’s guts, because it seems that he’s just about the only one of those jittery, nervous, randomly smiling freak shows to stand his grounds on any of policies- even the ones that throw the navel gazing middle class into a semi-passionate furore.

   This Liberal Leader has become the subject of nasty, insane, down and dirty newspaper abuse as of recently, nodding in particular to the lower classy-wannabe the Daily Mail, which recently published the somewhat hilarious title: Nick Clegg Makes Nazi Slur! What exactly was this nasty slur, I wonder? The Daily Mail didn’t seem to know – they simple ran his rather pedestrian and harmless quote on the front page and then waffled on about the loss of lives and so on in the second world war, spurting out half baked globs of patriotism all over its dirt cheap paper. Thank you, Daily Mail, for a once again inspiring, astute and totally accurate piece of journalism. Truly top drawer.

   Elsewhere, the Torygraph has been trying and failing to spread some out of date rumours and a couple of half hearted smear campaigns about Nick Clegg but, alas, no one really seems to be taking the bait. (Except of course the morons that actually buy these papers, but these poor fools are unlikely to get round to voting in the first place anyway)

   The low, low level to which these Tory papers will stoop in order to garner a handful of fearful votes from their trembling and anxious readers is almost as depressing as the sheer ease at which Clegg has essentially captured the hearts of the population. Everyone loves him to bits. Of course, one can easily see why he would have endured fifteen minutes of fame after those two rather sterling political debates on TV, especially as he actually bothered to look into the camera, i.e. at the country, but surely this doesn’t merit exalting him as the new Winston Churchill? This damn election seems to have turned into a rat race for the spin doctors – the first to link their figurehead to a man of charisma and characters from the last century or so wins. Just think of that ghastly idea the Conservatives had, trying to make subtle links between Barack Obama and David Cameron, the horror. Vote for Change? More like plagiarism.

   Nonetheless, it looks like the more that Brown and Cameron tear wildly at Clegg’s coat tails as he ascends up into never before explored areas of British politics, like the moral high ground, that it’s more and more likely he’ll be dragged back down into petty squabbling, false promises, and perhaps even the odd expense scandal. After all, this country really does love a good expense scandal now and then.

David Cameron Can't Believe You've Done This (Ah, Fuck)

  


   So...uh basically, what he was thinking of was uh, introducing a spate of outrageous new policies which not only tempt disbelief from the most ardent of Tories but also seems to fall woefully to bits after scrutiny- that of course is before he makes the equally bizarre promise of providing ‘Change’ in the ‘New (What the dickens??!) Conservative Party,’ which needless to say strikes most people as something of a colossal oxymoron , unless of course you do happen to be one of the poor, blind weasels out there who truly believe that Gordon Bear managed to single-handedly tear down the foundations of the Global economy, in addition to ruining Britain’s identity in the European market through ‘too much’ investment in public services and the of course the small matter of opening wide those hairy Scottish thighs and giving birth to Broken Britain. Did I mention that we can’t go on like this?



     But just don’t mention the 80s –or Thatcher, or the war, for that matter, and you ought to do just fine. After all, despite having absolutely no experience in managing national finances whatsoever he is, like, sooo much better equipped to drag us out of the economy than Gordon Brown and despite being spawned by a party known for its class consciousness and violating the working class from behind with their giant throbbing private sector members, he is like, sooo much better equipped to address the widening gap between the rich and the poor than Nick Clegg. Duh. So, basically what he was thinking was, uh....wait a second? You didn't vote Tory - you Swine!


(Cameron punched square in the face from off-screen)


‘‘Ah, fuck...I can’t believe you’ve done this!’’


Oh, if you don't know what the hell I'm talking about, check this out:


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_X6VoFBCE9k

Fly, My Pretties!

Brace yourselves, ladies and gentleman, for a gruelling six weeks or so of rolled up sleeves, dishevelled ties, hollow promises and unrivalled sycophancy: the 2010 election has reared its filthy head. For the class- conscious and unintelligent, this will of course be a wonderful time to peddle the wheelbarrow of lies known commonly as a ‘Tory Manifesto', which, although devoid of policies, is bound to delight the pants off the fat cats, as they wobble precariously on large piles of cartoon gold.



Alternatively, you could of course vote with your feet and give Father Bear another five years in office, although this too is not without its setbacks. He might be fully qualified to handle the financial crisis, or whatever the fear- mongers are calling it these days, but –good heavens – imagine the mudslinging and libel that would fill the Tory newspapers – as if staring the Daily Mail in the face each time you walk into a shop isn’t bad enough as it is. Oh, the gurgling putrescent horror.


Of course, if one is more partial to sitting on the fence and perhaps even stimulating that elusive G-spot in the process (which scientists, by the way tell us, doesn’t exist) one may find oneself putting a cross in the Lib Dem box – this is a wonderful idea if their promises to legalize drugs, stop taxing the poor and cease violating the lowest earners from behind rings true – but as I’m sure we’re all aware, the Lib Dem party is a little bit like an Indy kid – he’s pleasant to look and, he’s like sooo alternative, but other than that he’s basically nothing more than a fucking ornament.


In fact, just for the lulz, why not vote in the BNP? It doesn’t seem to have occurred to them yet that their policies neither make logical sense nor take into account pesky human rights legislation, who could deny that should they win a majority, excellent comedy will ensue? But of course, you must vote- really you must! Don’t go missing out on your slice of democracy, young lady/old chap, this is an opportunity to sit on.


They might be a bunch of bespectacled, top buttoned lunatics but these old fools are all going to do us a rather large favour – or so we’re told. Oh, and they’re all soooo different from each you know, just completely like, homogeneous and stuff. Oh, bollocks. Freudian Slip.